What is happiness to you?

I sometimes ask myself this question.  Most days it's getting through the day and getting home without incident.  Other days it's drinking myself stupid with my other stupid drunken friends.  Today, happiness was losing all hope... 

Losing hope is a funny thing.  To me, hope is like a double edged sword.  Hope can cut the way through the terrors of this sadistic world and slice even the darkest of nights, but at the same time it can maim and bleed you to death if you hold it too close or too dearly.  When you lose hope, hope in something that you're waiting for or wanting for, it feels weird.  It's saying to yourself that it's not going to happen.  It's accepting that things aren't going to work out the way that you wanted them to.  And that maybe, just maybe you were wrong for wanting them in the first place. 

I had hope for something recently, something foolish, and despite being cued and guided against it, like a stupid fool, I still hoped for it.  It was tangible and it was real to me.  And in the blink of a eye it crumbled like a sandcastle built too close to the ocean's indomitable waves.  And then that was it, the hope was gone, fading forevermore into the abyss of my past regrets.  But for some reason, when the hope finally cease I realized that I was finally free.  Losing all hope was freedom.  And the terrible way that I've been feeling lately about how much life really does suck, washed away with that pitiful, poorly constructed sandcastle that was desperately trying to withstand the might of the relentless ocean surf. 

And chances are, she will never know any of it. 

There are things that we want in this world.  Material things,  Immaterial things.  Things that don't really matter and things that you could possibly love forever.  We desire these things because we feel that they will make us complete in some way or fashion.  But do they ever really do?  Had everything come together like how I wanted them to and I was given this gift of reciprocated love by the hand of God himself, what would I have done then?  Probably destroyed it, much like I've destroyed so many other good things in my life.  How can I make someone else happy, if I'm not even happy myself?  How could I even ask someone to do that for me? 

I think the more important thing for me is to work on my own happiness first.  Then and ONLY then should I hope for someone special to come into my life.  Because up until now I have been waiting for someone special to finally make me happy.  Like a moron driving in reverse down the freeway.  lol!

Anyways, Cheers!